Such Is life....

Have you ever felt an overwhelming sense of Loneliness in a crowd of people, that feeling that hits the pit of your stomach like what you imagine being stabbed would feel like. No matter how hard to try to be part of the conversations, or laugh and play with your kids..it becomes increasingly harder to take a breath or fake a smile. Internally your screaming "Someone Help Me!" When you know that even though people are there, you are simply Alone. I'm watching my kids from the corner of the room fighting, running, screaming and tearing up the house. The T.V. is on in the background and Bobby is in his own world, to much that I feel like no one even sees me. Pick this up, Stop touching that, Quit hitting your brother all commands that go unheard or perhaps just not cared about. The world is spinning around me and it's like I'm standing in the middle just watching everything, I have no control.

On the outside, my life is everything it should be and everything I should be grateful for. Despite all of my children being born dangerously early, spending the first months of their innocent lives in a plastic bubble struggling to survive, I have 3 amazingly beautiful and healthy children. My husband is hard working, most of the time delirious because of the hours he keeps. When he can (like now) he volunteers to work 13 12 hour days in a row to bring extra money in to bail us out and plan for Christmas. He's never just not had a job. He wouldn't feel like a man otherwise. We have a roof over our head, one we cant wait to get FAR away from, but a home nonetheless. We have a car that we hate,absolutely hate it's no where near big enough for us but it allows us to escape this place every now and then. Lucky right? Not so much, I hate being alone. Every night I watch out the windows, pop up at every noise...I sleep next to a baseball bat. I have not slept in my bed, in my room for 2+ years because that would leave my boys open to the first attack of an intruder in our home. If Bobby is not home, I do not sleep. He's gone all night, sleeps all day and when he gets up it's his "me time". I'm sorry what??? What about us, he's not been outside this house with his boys despite the 4 hours he does have everyday in over 2 weeks, and prior to that it was rare anyways.

I am at best, the Dishwasher, Accountant, Homework Do'er,Personal Chef and the cheapest Prostitute on this side of the Mississippi. There is no acknowledgement that I too am a Human Being. That I desire the same things anyone else would in a loving committed relationship. I want to be held, sat next to, talked to (and not like trash). My kids come to me for EVERYTHING, they know that I am always here for them, they know that it is me who takes the time to go outside to the pool or the park, I pray with them, feed them, and take them to school...I know everything about their lives and they love me. I do know that. But I have become a single mother in a 2 parent home. I have become the Self-server when it comes to my own needs. I'm done being everything for everyone and nothing to anyone!