Uh...and you are?

You know that ackward hug thing..were it's like...are we gonna shake hands, kiss on the cheek or...then you lean in thinking all of the above and it turns into that almost kiss..I go left you go left we try to switch oh...just shake hands kinda thing..yeah those suck. Not nearly as much as not really remembering the person on the opposing end of that ackward hug. The conversation starts with something like..."Oh, Hey how are you...gosh it's been like..Forever" Yet in the back of your mind you know that you dont know who the Sam this person is and a part of you is not really interested in knowing but you have to pretend because they are obviously so Happy to see you. The rest of the day your going over and over who that might have been. Where do you know them from? Who are they? You think hopefully by the next time you see them you will have some sort of knowledge of their previous whereabouts! Ah but yes it would just so happen that after not seeing them for...well who really knows how long..you start seeing them everywhere and this unfortunate cycle starts all over again like groundhogs day...Yeah it sucks!!!

The Choices We make

Sometimes we dont realize how the majority of our actions affect those that surround us everyday, the decsions we make will ultimately cause those around us to make a decsions as well. That choice to call someone in a fit of rage instead of waiting until we've cooled off could result in the inablity to take those awful words back. The choice to let someone leave without saying I love you which could turn out to be the last time you see them. The choice not to keep a baby...a baby that could become the scientist who finally cures the incurable. What if? Isnt that always the question? What you do now will forever change the course of your family, your children your life. The decisions you make everyday will decide your future and what you become. The choice to get up everyday and and be positve, know that you will make it through whatever comes your way..and not because you have to, but because you want to. Be that ONE that makes a difference. People always say, "I'm just one person, I'm just one voice" Remember at some point it's been One voice that put a rapist away for life, it's been one smile that touched someone who thought for sure they were invisable. You matter in this life and you become who you choose to be. No one and nothing is forever you are not promised the next day, the next hour or even the next breath all of it is a gift a second chance to right all of the wrongs, to say the things that have been left unsaid. Take advantage and like I always say, "It's never to let to become the YOU you've always wanted to be..."

Stand Up.

We call her excentric, the life of the party
but nobody knows that inside she' s dying
A smile on the outside she wears with such grace
but internally she begs to be gone from this place

A place full of constant emotional hate
One minute he's here the next he's away
She struggles to find the streangth from within
To get up and leave a new life to begin

He screams and he shouts the most God awful things
Tells her she's fat and she needs to lose weight
That only a real woman wears a size two
Despite what she's given the compliments are few

She sits and she stares in the mirror with doubt
Is this the right choice, the only way out?
A tear starts to flow across the bruse on her face
She cant feel anymore so cryings a waste

Something inside her begins to Scream
There's got to be more in this life for me
A man who will love me with all my flaws
It's time that I show him who is the Boss

She opens the door and there he stands
Demanding his dinner, raising his hand
A swing and a miss it's the first time she's moved
The shock overcomes him and he doesnt know what to do

She says, "That is it, I've had enough
No more of this crying I'll show you who's tough!"
If you touch me again I can promise you
You'll be on the "screwed" end of this .22

I am a real woman no matter the size
No more will you hurt me and no more black eyes
You made me think I cant be alone
Well get your stuff and get gone cause your on your own!


KMA

It seems so simple but it's not...

I am the type that falls to fast, forgives to soon and is to quick to let myself get involved in other peoples drama. I think there is this part of me that wants to help everyone else that I forget sometimes to help myself. I love to talk and I love to listen, if that's all I could do that would be great, but I allow myself most of the time to take on problems that are not mine, to want to be involved in something that is beyond my control. I honestly do not search for this, it comes to me. Am I too open or just nieve?. Do people really need me or just use me? Do I use them to satisfy some part of my life that I was left without when I gave birth at 17? Who knows...well I would like to. It seems that everytime I try to turn my life around someone somewhere just needs me, or atleast that's what I think. My husband tells me to stay out of it, dont get involved but I think when you have a mental, physical, emotional bond with someone you just Cant...and I guess that's where I dont relate to him. He rarely speaks to his family and when things are going on up there Im usally the one on the phone trying to get details, to check on them. He is simply OK with just staying out of it...Could that be it, do I care to much? Is there such a thing? Sometimes I think there are things only God knows. What I do know is that I never want anyone that I love to think that I am not there for them, that I wont listen or give advice when I can. I do however know the difference between that and pure highschool teenage drama...That I will not tolerate anymore. It's those people, those blood sucking people that are purely miserable in their life and must insist that everyone around them feels the same way. They are not satisfied until your life, your marriage or your pure being sucks as bad as theirs. Those people who create drama if there is nothing going on for the simple pleasure of just having it. Like an addiction it never stops, it never changes with age it's not something they grow out of it's just something that always is.......and they love it!

The Man that Never Was...

On the outside you seem so great
A charming Demenor an innocent face
But underneath there lies another
One that was hidden and soon uncovered

You love me you dont that was your game
You would hurt me and somehow I was to blame
Love is blind this I believe
I never saw coming what soon would be

You left me alone to raise our son
You couldnt stop talking about what I had done
What was that I cant understand?
Wanting a Child and a Loving Man

How dare I believe that you wanted him though
Where are you now? Where did you go?
Such a great dad? You've missed everything
The smiles, The teething, the joy that he brings

But for all you've done wrong
Leaving was right
Because we are fine, we will survive..

He has a mother full of strenght
To give and provide for him, to carry this weight
Good Luck with your life dont worry about me
My eyes have been opened we're finally free.


*For Punkin"

Infidelity at it's best.

There are times every now and then that I still see her face. Standing on the Porch wearing your T-shirt like some sort of trophy a prize she claimed the night you left it on her bedroom floor. Her eyes are cold which happens to go perfectly with her heart. She is Evil and In no sense of the word "a woman". You both were guilty, heartless, and selfish. Equally to blame for the distruction of trust in this family. The sanctity of our marriage was destroyed by several nights of untamed lust and desire. She rubbed your affair in my face screaming, taunting laughing at my pain. Until I confronted her, ran two inches from her face, drove my car into her yard and threatend her with a less than pleasurable game of "bound and gagged". I stayed with you for the sole satisfaction of watching her hopes and dreams of a future with you shatter like glass. She deserved it and much more. Though I didnt expect someone who "Just couldnt live if you were not with her" to recover so quickly the next weekend with 6 men and some heroin...Ugh, she is disgusting and so are you for ever looking at her with anything more than pitty. You were twisted to come home and try to kiss me Hello with her still lingering on your breath. Great example of what it takes to be a man, but only the eyes of that little boy could actually see a man standing before him. You were a coward. I knew from the minute I stepped back into my home I knew she was there. I picked up her scent like a police dog...You lied. Multiple times you lied. It took months and Im not sure I even have the full story now, not that it matters anyway. What you did was filthy and vial and one day.. well one day I will see her face for the last time in the eyes of the man that takes your place in OUR bed.

Such Is life....

Have you ever felt an overwhelming sense of Loneliness in a crowd of people, that feeling that hits the pit of your stomach like what you imagine being stabbed would feel like. No matter how hard to try to be part of the conversations, or laugh and play with your kids..it becomes increasingly harder to take a breath or fake a smile. Internally your screaming "Someone Help Me!" When you know that even though people are there, you are simply Alone. I'm watching my kids from the corner of the room fighting, running, screaming and tearing up the house. The T.V. is on in the background and Bobby is in his own world, to much that I feel like no one even sees me. Pick this up, Stop touching that, Quit hitting your brother all commands that go unheard or perhaps just not cared about. The world is spinning around me and it's like I'm standing in the middle just watching everything, I have no control.

On the outside, my life is everything it should be and everything I should be grateful for. Despite all of my children being born dangerously early, spending the first months of their innocent lives in a plastic bubble struggling to survive, I have 3 amazingly beautiful and healthy children. My husband is hard working, most of the time delirious because of the hours he keeps. When he can (like now) he volunteers to work 13 12 hour days in a row to bring extra money in to bail us out and plan for Christmas. He's never just not had a job. He wouldn't feel like a man otherwise. We have a roof over our head, one we cant wait to get FAR away from, but a home nonetheless. We have a car that we hate,absolutely hate it's no where near big enough for us but it allows us to escape this place every now and then. Lucky right? Not so much, I hate being alone. Every night I watch out the windows, pop up at every noise...I sleep next to a baseball bat. I have not slept in my bed, in my room for 2+ years because that would leave my boys open to the first attack of an intruder in our home. If Bobby is not home, I do not sleep. He's gone all night, sleeps all day and when he gets up it's his "me time". I'm sorry what??? What about us, he's not been outside this house with his boys despite the 4 hours he does have everyday in over 2 weeks, and prior to that it was rare anyways.

I am at best, the Dishwasher, Accountant, Homework Do'er,Personal Chef and the cheapest Prostitute on this side of the Mississippi. There is no acknowledgement that I too am a Human Being. That I desire the same things anyone else would in a loving committed relationship. I want to be held, sat next to, talked to (and not like trash). My kids come to me for EVERYTHING, they know that I am always here for them, they know that it is me who takes the time to go outside to the pool or the park, I pray with them, feed them, and take them to school...I know everything about their lives and they love me. I do know that. But I have become a single mother in a 2 parent home. I have become the Self-server when it comes to my own needs. I'm done being everything for everyone and nothing to anyone!

Innocence of a Child

I wish for one minute as an adult I could see the world through the eyes of a child. Eyes that are blind to race, religious preference, disabilities, or sexual orientation. Weight has no bearing on how much they love or approve of someone in their life.
My kids love me unconditionally no matter what. To them I am the smartest, most beautiful woman they have ever seen. They love intensely without judgement and they love with everything that is inside them. They are dependent and hang on every word I say, they trust and believe in me regardless of my faults.

They have the ability like no one else to believe in the things which they cannot see or touch. God, Santa, The Tooth Fairy etc. Their imagination is free and wild and should never be tamed for one moment while they are children. They are brutally honest when expressing their feelings. Until a certain age (or depending on their raising) they do not lie, and they truly feel bad when they hurt your feelings.

They are as Pure as fresh snow clean of any Hatred and animosity. Clean of any discrimination or hurtful words. Free of Drugs, Violence and Sex. They dont care about the Economy or the price of gas. They care about the time, quality time that is spent with them everyday. A hug, kiss and prayer goodnight is all they need to feel safe enough to go to sleep. Their dreams are not tainted with evil and heartache and fear as they have yet to experience that.

Protect your children as long as you can from the evil that is in and of this world. Realize when the shows your watching or the music you listen to is not suitable for their innocent little eyes and ears. Protect them from who walks in and out of their lives, who you allow them to give their precious love to. Do not abuse, neglect or become selfish with them. If there is ever a time in your life that you want to be loved for who and what you are it is now. Take advantage. Allow them to teach you how to really live and love in your own life.